


like the fool i am and i'll always be

by spock



Category: Night at the Museum (Movies)
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Bickering, Canon Compliant, Cultural Differences, Historical References, Jealousy, M/M, Made For Each Other, Marriage of Convenience, Political Alliances, Pre-Movie(s), Semi-Public Sex, Stubborn Idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-08-28
Packaged: 2018-04-16 22:57:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4643151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spock/pseuds/spock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two Truths & A Lie (<i>Jedediah Edition</i>)</p><blockquote>
  <p>⑴ He hates spending time with that toga wearin' bastard.<br/>⑵ He does <i>not</i> get jealous.<br/>⑶ He wants a divorce.</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	like the fool i am and i'll always be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rosied](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosied/gifts).



> although [homosexual relationships were par the course](http://www.sharkonline.org/index.php/rodeo-family-values/751-the-true-history-of-cowboys-as-sex-slaves) for the majority of cowboys and settlers, i'm only pulling on the 'this is a common thing' aspect, and from that point on the miniature's mining camp is a kinder, gentler old west. same goes for the [roman empire](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_ancient_Rome#Gay_marriage).

They're wed on the 15ᵗʰ of March and Jedediah does his best not to comment on the irony. Seems like Octavius doesn't have a problem with it, anyhow. Jed's unsure if Caesar getting stuck like a pig was before Octavius' time or if it's just one of those things that rulers never bring up, on account of how they fear it might happen to them. Jed was forced to read more than his fair share of that tragic, melodrama-type nonsense during his single year of high schoolin' and for some reason all them books and history have stuck with him since, though they've never done him a lick of good.

Still, he figures that stuff might come in handy now that his wagon's hitched to an honest-to-god emperor, even if Octavius lived thousands of years before the majority of the shit Jed learned had even taken place. Seems to Jed that an emperor's husband should be pretty and well read, and he's not so modest as to deny that he knocks both of those requirements out of the park.

"So are we supposed to kiss now or what?" Jed asks, making a point to say it like it's the worst thing that could possibly happen to him. Privately, Jed thinks that Octavius might actually be half-cute, especially if he keeps that stupid fluffy helmet of his off. He isn't about to say any such thought out loud, though.

They've done all the weird, over the top shit that Octavius' generals demanded of them and Jed's ready to get this show on the road. He's had the heavy weight of Octavius' iron ring on his finger for about a week. All the men of his settlement made the trek across the divider with him, carrying small gifts while Jed stomped ahead with the stupid lit torch he was supposed to bring, which was swapped out for another lit from Octavius’ own hearth once they arrived, and then taken away so that he and Octavius could knock back a shared glass of water before grabbing each other's right hands as tightly as they could. He knows that there was supposed to be some kind of animal sacrifice, for some reason or another, but they hadn't been able to catch that stupid monkey, so it'd been written off as a wash.

"Oh," Octavius says. "Is that something that you do now?"

Jed wants to knock him upside the head. "Son, you think shit hasn't changed in the last two thousand years?" Octavius actually has the wherewithal to look embarrassed. Jed feels something in his stomach go tight as he watches the blush bleed into Octavius' face and he thinks to himself, _Dogginit, he_ is _cute_ , and realizes that this arrangement of theirs is probably going to bite him in the ass before all’s said and done.

He's mulling over that realization when Octavius pulls him in by their still-clasped hands, kissing Jed harder and deeper and _better_ than he's ever been kissed in his entire life.

In the background of what Jed can already tell will be what marks the beginning of the end of life as he knows it, his boys hoot and holler, whistling at the show Jed and Octavius are giving them, their crowing punctuated by the polite cheers of Octavius’ men, who’re far more behaved.

 

* * *

 

Jed can't see shit and it's starting to freak him the fuck out. What kind of weird-ass culture has sex in absolute darkness? No wonder their shitty two-bit empire collapsed like it did. Shit ain’t natural.

"So which one of us has to do the pokin'?" Jed asks, half because he genuinely wants to know and half just because he needs some conversation to fill up this confounded darkness. The Romans seem to have rules and protocols for every damn thing, so he’s sure there’s a how-to guide on the ways they're meant to fuck tossed in there too.

"As the elder of us," Octavius starts, but Jed isn't having any of that.

"Woah, woah, woah, lookie here boy, I'm not playing that game. By the looks of it, I figure that you and I’s ages are whereabouts the same. I'd say we flip a coin but it ain't like we could see the damn thing. You know how to play Roshambo?" Jed's willing to bet that he hasn't. And, because he's shameless bastard and always has been, he's willing to use Octavius' naivety for his own gain.

'Course, it's just Jed's luck that Octavius wins their best outta three. During his first fucking time playing, in the dark no less. Jed wonders if he's been swindled, but his pride's hurt too bad for him to embarrass himself by asking.

Jed ends up in the middle of the bed, knees around his shoulders with Octavius settled between his thighs. Jed's done this more than once and is used to making do with nothing but spit, so he's used to a certain routine when it comes to these matters, one that he figures Octavius must be just as accustomed to. Instead, Octavius throws Jed for a loop by slicking himself up with this sweet-smelling oily stuff and pressing the head of his dick right up against Jed, no fingering or nothing. For a second Jed is terrified that Octavius is going to fuck him with no preparation at all, but that's not how it turns out.

Octavius pushes in slightly, just breaching Jed's rim, and stays there for a few beats before pulling out entirely. He keeps on like that, sliding in deeper and deeper, keeping still, then pulling out. Jed gets used to it right away, and by the time Octavius is halfway inside him, Jed is hard enough to pound nails. Each press feels like a tease, and Jed can't see anything with how fucking dark it is, can only feel the way that Octavius' face is pressed into the side of Jed's cheek, the way that Octavius' breath ghosts against his ear, as he moans and grunts choked-out words about how good Jed feels. Jed’s never felt so turned on in his life.

"This," Jed says and then he has to stop because of the way his voice gets all caught up in his throat. He swallows a few times before trying it again. "This some sorta Roman thing?" Octavius laughs, a raspy, rumbling sound that makes Jed shiver.

"No," Octavius says. "I just didn't want to have to wait. It seemed like this would work just as well as using my fingers would."

"Boy, I oughta kick your ass. Hurry up and come already, I'm gonna fuck you next. We'll see how you feel when I just  _try_  shit out on you!" Jed makes sure to grab hold of the base of his dick and hold it tight, just to make sure that he can live up to his promise.

It's easier said than done when Octavius says, "Jupiter, protect me," around a laugh, in his stupid, accented voice before starting to fuck Jed for real, finally sliding himself all the way home.

 

* * *

 

As much as it pains Jed to admit, the millennia old Roman cityscape is just plain better than their Old West set up. The Romans have turned their stone buildings into bathhouses and apartments, and it seems like there's always some kinda festival going on in their courtyard for one of their eight billion gods. Getting his men access to Roman spoils was the reason Jed agreed to this marriage in the first place.

Well, one of ‘em.

 

* * *

 

Octavius and he put up a united front whenever they're in public. It's a struggle, but they manage to keep their fighting down to a minimum. Jed's mama taught him to never so much as think of putting his hands on his spouse, so that's off the table between them now too.

For the most part it works out fine. Cecil and the other giants are pleased to see them no longer fighting and give them a bit of leeway in reward. It's exactly what Octavius had said would happen, and on the third night of their marriage Jed's boys and Octavius' men start working on carving a hole through the wall dividing their two eras.

The downside is that apparently rulers can't be seen doing manual labor, so Jed's forced to stay back with Octavius and watch his men work down the slope of his nose.

"This shit is boring." Jed's never been above whining. "There's gotta be something we can do."

Octavius shoots him a look out of the corner of his eye before making a grand show out of sighing. "While I'm sure that it's near _impossible_ for your mind to come up with something interesting enough to keep yourself entertained, I do have a nation to run. Don't make me shoulder your weight as well."

"Oh that is _it_." Jed launches himself at Octavius' legs, knocking him off balance so that Jed can drag his candy ass to the floor. After all, his mama never said nothing against a little wrasslin'.

 

* * *

 

Jed pretty much gets along with all of Octavius' men. They're a bit too uptight for his liking, but they're good guys in their own way. Even though Jed's always prided himself on how he's always jonesing for a fight, it is nice to have people listen to what he says for a change.

Even his men have become more amenable to doing what he says the first time he says it, as if the Roman's influence is rubbin' off on them all positive-like. Just about the only person he actually has left to argue with nowadays is Octavius, and Jed can't ever see that changing. Seems like Octavius has always been the only other person in the world who has ever been even half as good at arguing as Jedediah is.

Not that he's pleased about that fact or nothin'.

 

* * *

 

Actually, that's a lie. Six nights into their marriage Jed realizes there are two guards that he cannot fucking stand.

There's Caelius or Caterpillar or some other shit who's responsible for bringing messages from the front lines of their digging expedition back to Octavius. After he does his thing and takes his leave, Octavius always mumbles to himself about how _wonderfully blue_ his eyes are, which never fails to piss Jed off because that kid’s eyes ain't nothing special. If anything, they're practically Jed's own eye color, and if Octavius finds himself with the need to gaze into someone's eyes, blue or otherwise, they sure as hell better be Jed's.

The second is Sercio, which is an even stupider name than Caelius if you ask Jed, whose job Jed has no idea of but that always seems to cross their paths at least once a night. He's the only damn Roman with blond hair and each and every time Octavius catches sight of him, he all but fucking coos over it.

On the eighth night, Jed snaps and says, "Alright, lookie here, I'm officially fed up with this bullshit!" He then proceeds to grab hold of Octavius and yank him behind one of the buildings so that they're out of view. Jed wastes no time in snaking his hand between Octavius' pteruges and yanking down his trousers so that he can get a nice handful of Octavius' dick.

It's not one of his prouder moments, but Jed gets Octavius off right out there in the open. He means to make this all about Octavius, ensuring that Octavius knows that _Jed's_ the one who wears the pants in their relationship, but after a spell he just has to fish his own dick out and grind it into Octavius' hip, seeking his own release, leaning in close so that he can whisper all manner of dirty things into Octavius' ear. He goes into detail about how Octavius is his, and how Jed can have him any which way he so pleases.

Just because he’s not exactly proud of it doesn’t mean that the words don't need to be said. Friendly reminder's never hurt nobody.

When they've both gone and come, Jed is still keyed up enough about the whole thing that he makes a show of licking Octavius' come off the hand he used to get Octavius off. He feeds his own release to Octavius with the other. Octavius doesn't complain at all, just sucks Jed's fingers into his mouth with a bemused look on his face.

As the post-orgasmic fog fades from his mind, Jed can't help but wonder if he might've been played from the get-go.

"I ain't jealous," Jed says, covering his bases, just in case. It won't do him any good if Octavius knows that he can manipulate Jed so easily, no way, no how. "It's just sometimes a man's got needs and we ain't bumped uglies since our wedding night, is all."

Octavius is disgustingly smug as he says, "You're cute."

"Now you listen here, 'cause I'm only ever gonna say this once, if I don't say nothing else: _I ain't cute_!"

 

* * *

 

Octavius keeps pickin' on him, night in and out, and it's wearing on Jed something fierce. Based on the looks that keep gettin' sent his way, Jed can tell that the boys see him nearing the end of this rope. Jed knows that they're afraid of him messing up the good thing they've got going now that they've joined forces with the Romans, but there's only so much that Jed can take.

"Call me cute one more gotdang time, I dare you!"

"Please, Jedediah," Octavius says. His tone has the exact same patronizing, placating bullshit that Jed's daddy used on Jed back when he was twelve and decided that he wanted to experience Manifest Destiny for himself, just like Lewis & Clarke had done, only better, because he didn’t need no nice Injun lady to show him the way. "I'm not trying to start an argument. I just find your actions to be absolutely precious at times. Isn't that a good thing? That I think of my husband so?"

"That's it!" Jed proved his daddy wrong and he's gonna make Octavius eat his own words too. "I'm through!"

Octavius stares at him, aghast. "You want a divorce?"

"Hell no," Jed spits. "I ain't no quitter." His pride's sore and he's headstrong and he's bored out of his mind watching everyone else made zero headway into bursting through that damn wall, night in and night out. He needs some conflict back in his life and Octavius is the only person who's ever been able to provide Jed with enough to keep him satisfied.

What that doesn’t mean is that he wants to cut ties all together. Sad as it is, Octavius is probably the best thing that's ever happened to him.

He's also the worst, which is what Jed's gonna focus on at the present.

"You just stick to your era and I'll stick to mine," Jed says, though as soon as the words leave his mouth he realizes that they go against what it is that he wants.

"Fine!" Octavius' face has gone beet-red and Jed is under no illusions that he himself looks any better. They stay like that, right up in each other's faces, huffing and puffing as what they've just said settles in around them.

Octavius breaks the silence by saying, "Actually, you know what? Your land _is_ my land," and Jed's would kiss that presupposin' sonofabitch if they weren't fighting, because he's given Jed an out, and Jed doesn't care if it's an accident or on purpose, because it means that some part of Octavius doesn't want Jed out of his life completely.

"Hold on there muchaco, we don't do that emperor shit around these parts anymore, you ain't got no claim here. We didn't elect you! You'll take my land over my dead body."

Octavius opens his mouth, probably to say some smart-ass comment about how he couldn't give two shits about if Jed died or not, but Jed cuts him off before he can get started by stomping on Octavius' foot and hauling ass out of Rome and back into the Old West. Octavius starts hollering his head off, so Jed has to yell just that much louder for his boys to follow him home while the gettin’s still good.

 

* * *

 

Gossip spreads across the museum like wild fire, so Jed isn't surprised when Reginald shows up early to lock them into their cases the following night. "Y'all couldn't even make it an entire month," he says, shaking his head as he slides the glass closed. 

It goes on like that for a while, them being locked up tight each night, like nothing's changed, almost like Jed and Octavius failed attempt at making peace hadn't even happened in the first place. Jed's still got Octavius' iron ring though, hidden from view underneath his gloves, settled around his finger where he don't ever see himself plannin' on takin' it off.

Jed and his boys keep on trying to crack through the wall. It'd been touch and go there for a while, all of them pissed at Jed for costing them their freedom, but Jed managed to convince them that sharing is for chumps and that if they beat the Romans then Rome will officially belong to the Old West. They're still mad, but there's nothing to do besides dig, so dig they do.

 

* * *

 

One day, Jed tries to sneak out and hide before the cases are closed, but Cecil catches him at it before he can really get going. "I can't wait to be free of you idiots." Cecil sighs. "That replacement can't come soon enough."

"Replacement?" Jed asks. As the years have worn on, Cecil's warmed up to him a little bit; he's the only giant Jed feels comfortable enough to press for information, just so long as it’s on the sly.

"Yeah, some punk. He's supposed to be coming in tomorrow and I'll see if he's a good fit or not." Cecil shakes his head in disbelief and sets Jed back down into the case. "Can't believe they're replacing three of us seasoned guards with one greenhorn. You lot are gonna run all over him."

Jed can't wait.

**Author's Note:**

> clearly the only logical explanation for why they stayed together even when larry gave them the chance to go _literally anywhere else_ in the whole damn museum (and finally be free of one another) is that they're old marrieds who can't live without one another. clearly. and of course it takes them a whole movie to sort their shit out, and then two more to really hammer it home. 
> 
> i very much hope you like this, dear recipient. it was a joy work with your prompts ♥


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